Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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