Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
