I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
