I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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