I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
