WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
