Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
