Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
