Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
