part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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