just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All the doctor said was why
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
