doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
