Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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