Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
