Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
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