how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
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