Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
