I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
