I faked an abortion last night.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
