Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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