I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
