Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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