i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
