There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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