let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
