no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
