oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize