Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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