What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
