Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
