seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
