can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize