No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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