i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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