could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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