I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
