No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
