Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Pants are for mortals
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
