There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
