You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
