He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize