tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
