when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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