just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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