i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
