you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
