Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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