first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
