I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm having to shit out rocks
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