If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
