On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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