I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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