so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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