K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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