Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
