I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
